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<\/figure>\n\n\n\nI’m pretty much fucked.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n For a moment, the first line of The Martian came to mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cExcuse me, I want to buy a ticket to the city centre. Would you mind explaining how to get here?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The clerk at the bus counter smiled brightly when I pointed at the address saved on my phone. Then he began to explain, very kindly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The problem was\u2014I couldn\u2019t understand any single word that he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was not even on Mars!<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSorry, I can’t understand Chinese.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n At that, a clerk froze mid-sentence. His mouth hung slightly open as he glanced around, then let out an awkward laugh. He turned and called out loudly to his coworkers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I knew, in theory, that English wasn\u2019t widely spoken in China. But I hadn\u2019t expected to run into trouble at the airport\u2014of all places, at a bus counter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I should\u2019ve bought a SIM card first\u2026 I desperately wanted to use a translation app, but without a SIM card, my phone was useless. The massive backpack strapped to my back\u2014like a turtle shell\u2014pressed heavily on my shoulders. Sweat dripped under my cap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Still, a clerk has not returned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As time passed, I started to feel nervous about the long queue behind me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I sighed annoyingly. I felt pathetic\u2014putting myself in this situation without any prepared plan. I had been far too easygoing, assuming that at an international airport, at least basic English would be work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou should learn Chinese. My friend\u2019s son got a good job with it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n My father\u2019s indifferent words\u2014comparing my life with another random guy\u2014flashed through my mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What had I said back then?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Out of sheer contrariness, I had brushed it off, saying I had no interest in Chinese.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If I had known I\u2019d end up in a situation like this, maybe I would\u2019ve just swallowed my pride and listened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fortunately, the clerk managed to find someone who spoke a little English. A sharp-tongued staff member explained things clearly\u2014if not warmly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Finally, I could buy a ticket and board the bus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The bus was old, filled with the stale smell of cigarettes. But I didn\u2019t care. I sank into the very back seat and wiped the sweat from my forehead with my hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The packed bus slowly pulled away from the airport. The highway looked no different within Korea, aside from road signs in Chinese characters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I stared at that for a while, and then closed my eyes. It had only been a four-hour flight, but I already felt so tired.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why China, after all of the places in the world? As I sank into that spiral of self-reproach, a familiar round face floated into my mind\u2014 This is all L\u2019s fault.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I found myself resenting a friend I couldn\u2019t even contact.<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m leaving.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Whenever I had a drink, I would say that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m leaving. I\u2019m getting out of this endless hamster wheel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ever since my first backpacking trip to Europe in university, I had dreamed of living abroad. I would tell myself\u2014half promise, half fantasy\u2014that one day I would leave this place and live freely somewhere far away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And every time, L would scoff.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYeah, go ahead. You\u2019ll only understand how hard it is once you try. When I was in China\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n L often talked about her time in China. As someone who had spent two years there as an exchange student, she saw more downsides than upsides to life abroad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDon\u2019t even get me started. I barely survived.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n As a calligraphy major, China had been the heart of her studies. And L\u2014stubbornly persistent\u2014endured two years in a city where it was hard to find even another Korean. She didn\u2019t return home once.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I asked why, she said,<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBecause if I came back even once, I knew I wouldn\u2019t want to go again.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then she would down a bitter shot of soju.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She struggled at first\u2014couldn\u2019t speak Chinese, took a long time to adjust to the culture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But even for her, there were good memories.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One of them was the boiled chicken soup at Tiger Leaping Gorge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSeriously, it\u2019s incredible. I\u2019ve never had anything like it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cCome on. Chicken is chicken. How different can it be?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo. It\u2019s on a whole different level.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I heard you had to hike all day to eat it, I couldn\u2019t help but wonder\u2014 Or was it just the illusion created by exhaustion?<\/p>\n\n\n\n So I decided to find out for myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ironically, by the time I actually came to China, L and I had drifted apart. A small emotional conflict had led us to cut off contact.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And yet, I came anyway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because I knew we would meet again someday.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Over the more than ten years we had known each other, we had fought many times. But we always found our way back\u2014 So this, too, was just a temporary pause.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And when we met again, I planned to tell her\u2014proudly\u2014that I had finally been to China. That I had tasted the very chicken she couldn\u2019t stop talking about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Maybe that would be enough to stitch us back together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I came to China to experience it for myself\u2014 And China that first touched my skin felt both familiar and strangely foreign.<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n When I finally caught sight of the massive Bell Tower, the first thing I felt was relief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Not awe\u2014relief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It might sound strange, but far more than the grandeur of Xi\u2019an\u2019s most iconic landmark, it overwhelmed me that the fact that my accommodation was still a farther distance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I got out of the subway walking like a turtle. A 23-kilogram backpack on my back and a 7-kilogram daypack on the front, like a shell, and a side bag filled with essentials, weighed me down further. My shoulders felt like I was carrying all the weight of the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n All I want is to arrive at the hostel. \u201cYou can do this. Just a little more to go…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I muttered to myself like a mad person as I walked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The five-minute walk past the Bell Tower into a narrow alley felt impossibly long.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And finally\u2014when I opened the door\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWelcome to Xi\u2019an!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The simple greeting from the front desk felt overwhelmingly comforting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For the first time, I smiled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I dropped my bags and straightened my back. A groan escaped from my mouth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The hostel was an old but well-maintained building. The lobby had a restaurant and bar, and the dorms were upstairs. After checking my reservation, the staff handed me a key and explained the layout. There was a free hot pot party that evening, he added\u2014I should definitely join.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I followed him upstairs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The eight-bed dorm was spacious, with bunk beds lined neatly on both sides. I dragged my luggage over and set it down beside my bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Just as I was catching my breath, the blanket on the top bunk across from me shifted. A face peeked out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHi, good to see you. I\u2019m A, from Brazil.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHey, I\u2019m D. I\u2019m from Korea.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n A got out herself from bed slightly, brushing her messy black hair by hand. Her sun-tanned face showed a smile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSorry about my manner. I walked too much today. Exhausted.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt\u2019s okay. I\u2019m just really happy to be here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI bet you are!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n She pointed at my massive backpack and laughed. I laughed too. Just found someone being able to communicate makes me feel much relieved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHonestly, I am so glad to find someone I actually can talk with. I mean, I didn\u2019t expect nobody can speak English here!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYeah\u2026 Well, you\u2019ll get used to it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m about to stay in China for a month. I\u2019m a little worried.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDon\u2019t be. I know communication is hard, but people here are kind. You\u2019ll be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Hearing that from someone who had already spent five days here eased the weight in my chest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n After our brief conversation, I messaged my mom and a few friends to say I\u2019d arrived safely. It was 4 p.m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I stood up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAre you going out?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n A asked, half-asleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYeah. I\u2019ll be back before dark. Are you coming to the hot pot party?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHmm\u2026 maybe. Maybe not. Right now, I just want to sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAlright then, have a rest.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThanks, girl. And good luck!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n A was back into the blanket.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And I stepped outside carefully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I stood on the street feeling like a stranger. After all the weight on my back was gone, I could finally see something\u2014 It would be lying if I said it didn\u2019t scare me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I still needed to buy a SIM card. But after what happened so far, I hesitated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A sigh escaped me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Maybe I should just go back and sleep like A.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I could go back.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n My mother had said I could return anytime if I feel too hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It would be embarrassing\u2014going back to Korea just hours after arriving\u2014but right now, it wouldn’t matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The problem was, if I turned back now, nothing would change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I would return to the same cycle\u2014 Therefore, I had two choices.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Forward\u2014 I took a deep breath and stepped forward.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One step.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then another, exhaling slowly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You\u2019ll be fine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I repeated A\u2019s words to myself. Gradually, I felt at ease.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Maybe it was just my imagination\u2014but the air, thick with exhaust and cigarette smoke, began to feel oddly characteristic. The hazy sky didn\u2019t seem any less clear than Seoul\u2019s. The strangers living their quiet lives no longer felt so intimidating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And so, I walked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Of course\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n that day,<\/p>\n\n\n\n I failed to buy a SIM card.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Xi’an, All things start I’m pretty much fucked. For a moment, the first line of The Martian came to mind. \u201cExcuse me, I want to buy a ticket to the city centre. Would you mind explaining how to get here?\u201d The clerk at the bus counter smiled brightly when I pointed at the address saved … Continue reading BELL TOWER, Adapting to unfamiliar things<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7210,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[78],"tags":[90,82,85,88,86,83],"class_list":["post-7209","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sum","tag-china","tag-essay","tag-find-myself","tag-journal","tag-madam-d","tag-travel"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/madame-dee.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7209","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/madame-dee.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/madame-dee.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madame-dee.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madame-dee.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7209"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/madame-dee.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7209\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7327,"href":"https:\/\/madame-dee.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7209\/revisions\/7327"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madame-dee.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7210"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/madame-dee.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7209"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madame-dee.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7209"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madame-dee.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7209"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
No\u2014what am I thinking? It\u2019s not likely the telecom staff would speak English either\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Out of all the countries I could have chosen, why had I come to one where I couldn\u2019t understand the language and couldn\u2019t even use the internet freely?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
annoyingly so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\n
Was it really that good?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
as if nothing had happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
the China, L had spoken of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\n
To drop everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
the unreadable signs, the unfamiliar surroundings, the strangers passing by.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
doing a job I had no passion for, drinking to cope with stress, resenting the past, wasting time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
or back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n